Driving Fast Through Life - Tempting Fate

Well, it has been a long time since I have written anything. It is not becuase I did not want to write, it is because I just was working on trying to be a person that is settled. Unfortunately, I live and need some kind of drama to make me happy. It is how i am wired or sometihng like that I guess.

I have some things that have happened since then that has me second guessing the way I look at life. There was a loss of someone that I considered my friend. I am not going into details, but it was just an accident and he was gone. 

It happened out of the blue and then I was awestruck. The person had a family, career and the whole nine yards as the old adage goes. And just like that, because of just being out on the road, he was gone. 

What has this to do with me made me question how I live my life at times. I enjoy driving and I enjoy being more offensive than defensive.  

Driving SCAB was something that I always looked forward too.  

But when you seriously think that it has many issues around safety to say the least and I not getting any younger. It is really a crap shoot anytime I took it out. Right now I don't know if it was towed or not because I am not in the same location as I was before. 

Last time I drove it, I did put it on the Highway, something that I told those that loved me that I would not do that ever again. It was very egotisitical and petty reason "I will show them!" I have not taken it out on the highway in months, dry rotted tires, unknown steering issues and those are the things that I could sense. Death wish, damn the torepedos , and away goes my intellect and all reasoning.  

I mean at times it does not want to take a turn. Yes, you read that right, at times, I have to basically just go with the flow. Stop and then put it in reverse and man handle the damn out of it to get it to go the direction I wanted it to. 

I took it out because I was attmepting to numb the anxiety going through just another life event that sees me being alone again in life. Not a pity party, just wanted something to take the sting off. 

Scare the shit out of me I did. You can see through the floor to the ground, most definitely since I mangled the passengner seat out. PIctures included. 

So, after that, there was the rush as I have felt before. Then crippling anxiety right then after. What was I doing, this is really dangerous. This is so not worth it, so I went back to the storage lot and left it there covered. I am thinking that I am living like speeding in life. I have sped in life so far and so long, it got me to where I am. It is not a bad place, just a place that is not too crowded I guess you could say.  

I was staying in the rental unit for a few nights once again. Then I forgot that, unlike last time, I have a good job an I i can get a place to stay and collect my thoughts and find my peace before I find another place to lay my head. 

I think my speeding through life days are over.

SCAB is for sale, that is if it is still there.  

If not, so much for that, I am kind of surprise that car did not deliver me on my last trip. Tempt fate too many times and fate will bite back. 

I did have a dream that it took me out in the past. I never said anything to anyone because I know everytime I would take it out, that was worry for all that knew me and cared.

In the past I have drempt things that have come true, but haven't we all.

51 years old and when are you going to grow up??????? My mom's voice in the background just like it was before I was engaged to my now ex,

"You are going to be all alone."

That maybe or might not be the case, but most definitely, I am certain my speeding through life days are pretty much over.