Occupying The Mind Is Not The Same as the Involvement of the Soul of Another Individual

Busy with things that are not there. 

What do I mean by this? Every time I conclude what I am doing with my YouTube, Videos, Editing and the like, there we are back again, complete nothingness, accompanied a deafening silence into what now, what’s next, my freedom to do anything and everything is upon me, but as it as opportunistic, it is very intimidating in its overall vastness of whatever comes next, it is done like all things in my life, done alone.

What has kept me so busy, as just as a faucet, is it as then turned off and I am back just an empty vessel that is no more at peace with being with just myself than at night before. I have no idea how I would manage the job search without having this huge distraction of one of the most lite in all areas you can describe in the ongoing job search.

But then again when I am not doing anything, I find myself just with myself. Just another time, another minute, another hour and tonight with the howling of the wind, the singularity just cuts deeper in my being due to the loss of something that you now mourn. I am as melancholy as I was prior, but I am more realistic about how this could last for a long while.

My stories and my channel are my way to escape the nothingness that now makes up my life. I can take solace in my laughing and rehashing of times of long ago but then it concludes. I am once again alone as a singularity am left with just me and me only. No better off than prior to starting to do creative work as I am now.

Thoughts of what were, what was and what will never be combined with thoughts of what would allow me to breath, find my space and make everything not okay mind you, but make it more palatable for someone that as every human, have a desire to be close to someone again.

I know at this point, I am not in any shape, especially financially, but emotionally as well to be the partner to someone else that truly needs what I am not able to give. To be honest, is it better to just be, not thinking about the desire, intimacy, closeness of what was and to recall it is hard to think about how incredible that felt and how it warmed the soul.

In the past, I would rather go out, than stay in. Currently and no real job, I do not feel that I am worthy of being out with others that are working and contributing to society while I attempt to make myself more important through a means of creating something that I am not sure of what to call it.

Is this a stage that people who end up by themselves go through. Does the resolve come more hardened as the person acknowledges that being alone is something that is going to be their now constant companion from now on? 

Is this just part of the process that one that has been by themselves for ¾ year would experience.

When I am replaying the videos and I am laughing a lot, is it true enjoyment, or is just a play on what I am trying to tell myself that it will all work out in the end, you will find happiness, I was just getting close to finding peace within myself prior to losing my job.

Then once again if I am going to count on something besides just me that will be responsible for what, how and who and the feelings that come from within being able or not able to come to terms with the now and my currently my forever. 

Does anyone need to fuck with their head this much to what avail to I reach except more questions, more unknowns and more what is next?

Is this ‘fork in the road’ and or whatever adage you want to use, my new destination in realization that being alone is what you are going to be, and my consciousness is awaking to that fact that yes you are alone and yes you might be alone forever.

But is that so bad, looking at the positive things that being alone means, you will not disappoint anyone else. You will not cause undue strife, consequence and or pain and or wasted effort and time with someone else’s soul. You will not be a hinderance to someone that they think deep down you can and could and should be better than who you are.

There is no real sadness living this way, the lack of connection, as we are all energy in one way and or another is very trying to find other avenues to fill what would be that partner would just meld with you. I have forgotten that I have been alone this time more than any other time in my life, more accepting of what could be the inevitable.

Some people just end up alone and I am or metamorphosing into ‘some people.’